How does the universe whisper to you?
This morning started out nearly the same as the past few weeks. Woken up by two small boys crawling and climbing on me. It reminds me how similar kids and dogs are. Made the bed, brushed our teeth, and swapped my pjs for athleisure wear before heading downstairs. I feel like I'm more likely to be active at some point in the day if I'm already dressed for it. Make coffee, get milk for the boys, turn on Blippi. Most mornings Caleb insists on helping me make fresh French press coffee. He knows it's part of my morning ritual. It's the way I ease into the day.
As I started my day, I tried to think about what my intention would be for the day. I don't always set an intention, because some days I just want to flow with whatever comes. But, some days there is something on my mind that I need help with. Today I needed help killing ANTs. If you're not familiar with the term, it's killing automatic negative thoughts. Being aware of negative self talk is the first step. The second step involves shutting that shit down.
My biggest struggle has always been feeling like nothing I do is good enough. I suffer from not enoughness. Now, I do a pretty good job of balancing myself by staying healthy and active, reading, staying busy, working, meditating, praying, practicing mindfulness. Mostly because I realized a while back that boredom=depression for me. If I stay busy I don't have time to worry about if anything I do is good enough. It's in the quiet of the in-between moments, those ANTs try to sneak in. Especially when I'm trying to become more of myself. In the book, The War of Art, Steven Pressfield defines it as "resistance."
I love the idea that there is this thing beyond us that manifests in different ways but its goal is always to prevent us from leveling up. It makes it less personal. That's its purpose. It's the opposing purpose to your purpose. Everything in the universe has some polar quality to it. Positive vs negative. So, it makes sense that anything we do to evolve will be met with a resistance that tries to prevent it from happening. My resistance likes to disguise itself as negative self talk.
I've been practicing mindful awareness for the past several months. It's the reason I disconnected from all my social media. In addition to disconnection from social media, I put all sorts of time limits and website restrictions on my phone. I caught myself being a time waster and took drastic measures. I saw the average daily usage of my phone and wondered how much of what I looked at gave substance to my life. If it enriched it or if it was mindless. I didn't need any extra help strengthening my ability to be mindless. I needed to actively strengthen my ability to be fully present. That takes practice.
Here is where it gets good. Replaying what unfolded this morning makes me smile. It has me thinking about when we saw Oprah recently and hearing her say "Lord you so funny!" after tripping on stage while talking about balance. I want to share with you how the universe whispered to me this morning.
Distracted throughout my morning trying to practice being mindfully aware, but I keep getting met with the "resistance." As I interact with my boys and move through my morning tasks I keep feeling stuck in my thoughts. Doubting myself. We're all getting ready to go for a family walk. I'm filling up my water bottle. I hear Caleb, my 3 year old son, outside in the garage, saying, "YOU'LL NEVER BE READY!" He's pretending he's in the movie Onward and he's overcoming some obstacle in his quest. And I couldn't help but feel like in that moment that Universe was whispering me to overcome this obstacle in my quest. Just do the uncomfortable thing. Meet the resistance and prove it wrong.
So here I am. Showing up again. Gently reminding myself to care more about the intention than the outcome.